Friday, 19 July 2013

An Absolute Surrender

In the hour of my intelligible weariness when I hear the sound of some faint voice calling me to him, I turn around to poke fun at him for the way he has been proved to be a fiasco in me. When I make a mess of myself in every situation for which he says he has prepared me with the best of my potential, he fails to take the cue and replenishes me with another role to be equally a miserable trash none will care to record for him or for me.

 Things have gone on in this fashion for years and now when I have become bent with age, I still hear the voice chuckling with the innocence of a folly I have always loved to condone. When in the lightness of my dream I wake up to the reality of his inept handling of me as his child, he seems to be contrite with the heaviness of how he has proved to be negligent in rearing me as he had to give precedence to the sharpness of my wickedness.

 I am now condemned to a life of debauchery in public life and my father is still crouching in the corner, nodding with the conviction of one who wants to see in me someone he built in the image of perfection. Though I have none of the strength to prove myself as one belonging to him, he gazes at me wistfully seeking to mould me the way a man of perfection is envisaged. I glare at him wanting to distance myself away from him and engage in a number of follies but I am deflated by the flicker of his eyes mellow with compassion. Deep down there is the accumulated hurt of the people I have wounded and he wants to bank on the wealth of this anguish to target me for the day he claims to be his own for another creation.

I could not believe that all this had to happen to me in the form of the worst disaster of my life. I am now ruined as the legs which were so nimble do not seem to feel anything, let alone carry me anywhere. When I sit on a chair attended by an assistant who complains that I have become too senile for my age, I seem to see him smiling at me with compassion. He seems to assure me that it is the beginning of the process he wants to shove me in. As I look up at him with consternation, frightened of the consequences awaiting me, he beckons me to follow him in the darkness of a sort of muteness I have never experienced before. I want to scream out of the essential fear of death which has now become a habit with me; I feel a sort of somnolence induced by tranquility. When the fear of obliteration tears into my consciousness, I become pacified by the mellifluous whisper of the divine entity that it is the music of meditation to erase the impurities of the mind. I want to reach out and feel Him, thanking him for being with me when I am lost. He tells me that it is a process of purification before he can assign another role to me. As I try to crawl to him with the intensity of my thoughts, he tells me to salivate to let the venom of my imperfection spill out.

 When I finally came back to my senses, I found myself lying sprawled on the couch in my office room lying in my vomit. Though my mind was reeling, I could not help sitting nonplussed for some time. Suddenly I felt overcome with emotions and began to sob, unable to conform to the obviousness of the situation. A little later when I was on my own, I came out of the room trying not to stagger. My secretary came to me and told me that one of the most reputed organizations working for the welfare of the poor and helpless people had chosen me to be their brand ambassador. I looked around, trying to discover the beauty of the darkness in the dazzling light of the office but the air seemed to smell of some sweet fragrance that I inhaled even when I had been panic stricken.  Suddenly when I decided to accept the grace of whom I had denied the acquiescence and surrender to him to mould myself according to my wishes, I felt a strange feeling of tranquility. Again against all rationale, I felt like crying. I could feel my lips quivering but I hastened away to get into the car parked outside the building. At the same time I was happy that it would be a journey during which I would be able to straighten out the things which had gone awry. 

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